This Halloween was one of the more fun, and some ways disturbing ones I've had in a while. I had awesome company from many corners of my life, but old ghosts walking through it. I am coming to a new conclusion of those who take the path of least resistance..... I feel sorry for them.  

Special thanks to Julie and Ismarc for snuggles, for helping me to feel a little special, and while there was some old ghosts there, they do not hurt as much to behold in the newest incarnation of my reality.  /chuckle

Thanks to Ben and Char and Frank who came to the MEWS party helping round out more people I know, close friends of mine.

Saturday was full of snuggles and watching movies and BTVS, and it was good.

Saturday night was a gig, in which Living Dead Girl was perfected and Jonny and the boys did a fantastic job.

There will be lots of pictures at a later time.

Here are some for now.
http://picasaweb.google.com/skyfae/Halloween2009?feat=directlink

First day was full of learning products, some tutorials, playing with office and snow leapord.

Alias is still pending so I can't do much this week will likely be a lot of busy work - where next week will start the real work. Also - odds are my hours are going to be 10-6:30 / 7 pm for the forseeable future - my bosses aren't morning people - which means facing the price of gas, or not getting home till 9:30 at night..... After a month or so I plan on re-evaluating and probably starting earlier so I can bus too w/out getting home so damn late.

RAID LOOT RULZ /flail - discussions flair - some good resolution offered - some emos vented - all and all a good thing - but kind of interesting to watch. We'll see how my feedback is recieved.

I'm still reading Memiores of Cleopatra.

Also - my 'work' laptop - according to my local boss will never be needed.. so screw it - mine for now - emailed my HR rep to see what the terms of use for it are.

Got home, unloaded and loaded dishwasher, reheated dinner, wiped down counters, fed fish, watered violet, hang out on the computer some, watched Big Bang Theory repeat (!?!?)

Now I'm trying to wind down and watch Red Dwarf as I go to bed.

I got my paperwork for the new assignment signed off on today. Evidentally as a 'vendor' I am issued a laptop from Excell... I dunno what I will need it for work-wise or if I will need it work wise.  It seems kidn of a perversion to have access to one of the best systems in my domain at home, yet not be able to play games on it.

Thats ok though - some day I will upgrade my desktop.

I'm sitting in bed watching Kingdom of Heaven, regardless of mr pointy ears it's a great movie - my favorite characters are all the 'secondary' characters.  Miir is laying beside me and my fish tank water level is low so I have the sound of a tinkling fountain in my room.... which is mildly annoying and I have water cureing now to fix that problem tomorrow.

It looks like my first pay day will be the 13th of November, and I will be able to cover my rent / utils / gas / smokes / oil change until then. 

I find myself more and more drawn to healing raids, I love playing Mer - an I have had her at top DPS but I find that I grow irritated, feeling like it's work - so I've taken a break from all of it (just in time, since working usually procludes a lot of raiding opportunities during the week).

I am reading a book called The Memoirs of  Cleopatra, it is 'historical fiction' and so far very engrossing and well written.  I have no great knowlege of the era so I cannot speak o it's vadility.

One of the best compliments ever your quality will be known to your enemies before ever you meet them' I believe it is an old saying though a line in the movie. ,

I feel oddly suspended, I am trying to list out all the things I want that I have gone without, my debts, my desires for toys which have gone unaddressed for more than three years.  Yep that's right... nifty phones, ipod with more than 4 gig that actually talks to my computer regularly.... many things which many take for granted.

'Holiness is in right action'  (another great line)

 I am anxious and exhausted all at once.

I actually got to it! HUZZAH!!!!! 

Realistic: 
Fix my watch
trim my hair  (touch up color?) done for now
get nails done
oil change for the car
tire cables (if I buy them we won't need them, if I don't buy them I'll need them)
replace the damn laptop keyboard... again
get copy of real birth certificate / PASSPORT
fish tank cleaning supplies / decoration / new filter / algie fish
rejoin weight watchers POINTS FTW!!!!! 
fix mary jane shoes
dry clean winter coat
bumble and bumble products


Fantastic after addressing debt(s): 
phone upgrade
IPod / 80g video capable / real headphones (BT is also awesome)
Upgrade ram and video in computer
Widescreen monitor
wall decals
digital camera
new bed (least matress - though frame could be replaced too as it's broken)
500 thread count sheets
new comforter set


Debts: 
Dr office
Dentist
3 credit cards
school loans
chiropractor

I got it! 

Details: 
Basically working with a team who is doing office testing on Win / Mac OS and verifying MS office works the way it should with MAC.  Which means a lot of highly confidential subject matter their system, our system etc etc.  Lot of not just testing, but data entry, scrubbing bugs, repo, regression and some project manager / administrative duties.  IE the perfect job for my heavy OCD detail orientation with a little tech mixed in.  This is a v- (vendor) at Microsoft via Excell Data corp job that will last indefinately, and will pay enough (I hope) to not just survive but also to get some of my debt down eventually and live a little.

I am so fucking happy I'm almost in tears, 9+ months of waiting and feeling like I'm worthless even with the job market and boom the perfect thing happens.

261.5 - the Tuvia sweetener tastes funny - though supposed to be 'good' for you too - I doubt with the price and taste it'll be come a regular for me...

http://mfr.activant.com/pepboys/servlet/tires/tires.submodel.results - Pep Boys - Everett - $45.99 a tire

http://www.discounttire.com/dtcs/searchTiresByVehicleAndSize.do?v=007016|1997&r=WASINT|pc|98037&ar=65&rd=14&cs=185 - Discount Tire Co - $45

Firestone - claims not to have my tire... wtf?

I hate shopping for tires - cause someone is going to fuck you over....

No - before anyone starts screaming in terror or squeeing at me, let me say - I am not preggers.  Anyways, I suspect it's a product of the chemical hind brain maternal instincts screaming at me - that I no longer am vehimenantly against having a child. Very strange to hear me say those of you who actually know me.  I also suspect it's a product of too much alone time - and the fact that I'm once again delving into my geneology.  Humans, we want to know where we come from, we seem to want immortality through our children (this is not to say that the mothers I know are just hormone driven breeders!).  I also suspect that I'm spending too much time trying to fill my time so I am not alone with my thoughts with stories, and movies - and a common theme among them is a lost dynasty, a lost way of life.  Perhaps all I will leave in this world is myself, my ashes, and in the memory of those younger than I.

I find this bleak thinking, what legacy will I leave behind....?  Am I so spectacular that people will remember me when I am gone, that T will, Scarlett or Korray will remember me when they grow old with perhaps children of their own, and tell them of their crazy 'auntie' Misty who liked playing video games, or who ate rice with them on a roof, or dyed their hair purple when they were young.

I think it's honestly a cummulation of too much time on my hands tinged with depression, and the evident lack of 'getting' anywhere with my life according to this societies rules.

I had a discussion with Michael  when I went to visit my Wondertwin in portland earlier in the month - it is a matter of whose rules will you play by? Your own, or societies rules? Who is to say or not to say that my ideas are not worthy of living beyond me... how dare I make that assumption for another?  I think humans, least now have a bit of a god complex in us.  We want to be remembered... when we die we do not want to be forgotton.  While I am not afraid to grow old, I find myself at least temporarily afraid that I will be forgotton.  It is an old fear.

And how did this meandering come from the thought of children... just that I find myself more aware of the biological clock  that ticks away though the reasoning for the urge is long since gone.... children are not needed to continue to hunt and gather when we are too old and lame (though children to put you in a nice rest home is always nice, but not a responsibility I would want to lay on them).  The health of the tribe, or cave or community of people is no longer dependent upon the production of children regardless of liniage.  The society I live in at least does not need it to clearly (or not so clearly in history) let me know that the family that rules me will continue to be in power.  It is by todays standards a rather stupid ineffectual urging.  Yet we still have it.

No, I'm not drinking - just waxing philisophical in a late hour. 

*let me just reiderate, responsible adults who have children - are not me - these are MY THOUGHTS

Max Factor lipfinity 3d maxwear lip color
Loreal extra intense eyeliner
mac eyeshadow
lid potion

down 2.5 lbs since the 4th, trying out the new 0 cal sweetener Truvia - let you know how that goes.

in the process of making my long tunics / dresses out of old flannel sheets which is for the win.


may try to get my great cloak semi finished... ug... sewing sewing sewing must get it all done.

So I finally found the calculator used for knowing how many 'points' to eat (re the WW formula) - I found my old bracelet from the WW at home thing my folks got me years ago which had varied degrees of success. So I'm back on my points system - if and when I can afford to pay WW for their online gadgets of awesome I will - until then I'm going to use the information available. Mwhahah

So today starts week one of going back to points... I weighed in at (gained 4 lbs from last week) 265 sunday...

Got two more points available for today... not particularly hungry and have my water. While Sparkpeople is a great and wonderful resource - it's also in large part why I don't go to public meetings for WW... people...

Anyways - I've been hermiting the last few days, reading books - applying for some jobs, more of the same.

.... I sometimes have brilliant moments of true artistic awesome.....

And most times I feel like a noob....

Then I see something like this... all the shading done one night when I got bored at a bar... and I feel the urge to try to create something beautiful again.

Not the best but not aweful... :) http://picasaweb.google.com/skyfae/ToPortlandAndBack?feat=directlink

only 7pm and I'm exhausted... too much emotional ups and downs this weekend I think. Good ones were really good though :) 

Now I'm going to curl up and watch a movie... just not sure if I want emo / blow shit up / or girl flick..


I think it's a blow shit up night, just got done watching Mr and Mrs Smith (which does combine the best of both worlds) .  

found two wonderful books that are now on my wish list - Chain Mail Jewelry by Terry Taylor and Dylon Whyte AND Beaded Chain Mail Jewelry by Dylon Whyte...... very VERY well laid out books.

http://picasaweb.google.com/skyfae/JeannieS306thBirthday91909?feat=directlink

pictures of me from Saturday (themed playboy bunny party... work safe)

I found this again after having printed it out some 10+ years ago... I do not know why but just reading it fills me with a sense of peace.

---------------

The Invitation
by, Oriah Mountain Dreamer (NA Elder)

It doesn't interest me what you do for a living. I want to know what you ache for, and if you dare to dream of meeting your hearts longing.

It doesn't interest me how old you are. I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love, for your dreams, for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring your moon. I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow, if you have been opened by life's betrayals, or have become shriveled and closed from fear of further pain.

I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own, without moving to hide it or fade it or fix it.

I want to know if you can be with joy, mine or your own; if you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes without cautioning us to be careful, be realistic, or to remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn't interest me if the story you are telling me is true, I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself. if you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul.

I want to know if you can be faithful and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see beauty, even when it is not pretty every day, and if you can source your life from its presence.

I want to know if you can live with failure, yours or mine, and still stand on the edge of a lake and shout to the silver of the full moon, "Yes!"

It doesn't interest me to know where you live or how much money you have. I want to know if you can get up after the night of grief and despair, weary and bruised to the bone, and do what needs to be done for the children.

It doesn't interest me who you are, or how you came to be here- I want to know if you will stand in the center of the fire with me and not shrink back.

It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom you have studied I want to know what sustains you from the inside when all else falls away. I want to know if you can be alone with yourself, and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments.

May 1994